The new website has been up for a month now and I am struggling to make it known and to promote our programme. As a matter of fact, after months of joyful working on the texts, the design and the translation, I am feeling very depleted. A touch of postnatal depression? Quite likely, and I have often experienced this during my academic career after submitting a major publication or delivering an important piece of work. Although I could recognise the symptoms and sense the familiar flavour of the fear of people’s comments and reactions and the cruel bite of the feedback from competitive colleagues, I sensed that there was more to it than that. So I stayed with the uncomfortable feelings and my prevarication, and decided to become interested and curious about the subtleties underneath. Would I be able to inquire into this with loving-kindness?

As I set out on this new learning journey, I realised how much the “publish or perish” law of academic realms has affected me and still has a hold on me. I discovered along my inquiry how sensitive I am to feedback still struggling to receive feedback without crumbling down. How the inner critique takes over before anyone has had time to put in a word or comment, and starts behaving like Don Quichotte attacking imaginary evaluations and lashing out. Gosh, I have internalised judgement and criticism and have been loyal to a system that does not always support growth both individual and collective by taking on self-sabotage strategies! Not the most pleasant of self-realisation, especially when I became aware of the many times that I have been patronising and unduly critical of peoples work to push back my own self-criticism and to protect myself.

Then, two seemingly small events happened that bought in the light. The first was a conversation I had with my good friend and soul-mate, Vincent, who was telling me about a workshop he had attended during which he could see through the mechanism of manipulation that are used in commercial circles. As we commented on this, I suddenly felt the impulse to say that manipulation is not possible at soul-level, only at the level of ego. Only the personality is hurt, wounded, resentful, angry, etc. The second event, was the feedback I received from Memoo, the team of wonderful guys, who designed and put up the website. Rasmus wrote in his comment that “ [Nicola] puts both heart and soul into everything she does ». That is when something landed.

I was able to question the purpose of the website and to look at my fear of suddenly showing up in the world, publically, from a different place. New questions flowed in. Is my website an expression of my ego/personality still fuelled by the competitive energy that runs academia? What part of me feels disloyal or a traitor to my scientific family? Why am I resisting showing up as a spiritual leader and going forth with the birthing of Yggdrasil Living Wholeness? How come I struggle to step out of my comfort zone into unknown territories?

I felt into the difference between an ego driven website with the promotional actions of self and the wanting to fit in, and a soul driven website intending to provide nurturing and healing collective spaces and support a sense of true belonging. Although it might sound a bit over simplified with a touch of dualism, this has been helping me to discern the drivers behind my thoughts and actions. Of course, I know a lot about my fear-based impulses to write, to be heard, to be acknowledged and to be recognised. My years in academia fed into this, again, because of the motto “Publish or Perish”; I can still feel how deep this misbelief is running in the background. So, maybe it is time for me to let go of it and to believe in the possibility of a soul driven website that will attract people interested in exploring the new territories John and I, with the help of fellow travellers, are discovering. Others seem to believe in my abilities to do so, as well as to live from Soul. It is about time that I started to believe in it myself.

Writing this blog has bought even more clarity. As the beautiful spring light of Bornholm shines on our house and garden, I can sense the power of our Soul guided project and know, deep down, that all is well.

With love, Nicky

P.S. Shortly after I posted this blog I came across one of Robert’s Holden weekly posts where he talks about the Inner Critic and the Inner Coach. As he points out, the Inner Critic is a “NO” voice coming from a Fear mind-set and is ego-driven trying to do it all by himself, whereas the Inner Coach is a “YES” voice coming from a Love mind-set and is soul-inspired, open to many forms of support and assistance. This felt such an accurate description of the inner conversations I was experiencing around the website, and it felt good to be heard and no longer alone in discerning between the Inner Critic and the Inner Coach. I am more and more curious now when I go within to listen: whose voice is speaking up? And can I let the Inner coach come forward?