It has been quite some time since my last post (more than 6 months) and I have been pondering on my need to remain silent to the point of becoming completely mute. What is keeping me back? Why can’t I sit down and write up the some of the insights I have jotted down in my creative writing notebook? The ideas there all look great, and it would only take an hour or so to turn them into witty and inspirational posts … or so a certain voice tells me.
Over the past months I have been hearing this chiding voice prodding me to get myself together and to commit to writing regularly. This voice tells me that I am lazy and that it is time to get back to some serious work after a two-year break from academic work. Facebook telling me that my audience hasn’t heard from me in a long time has prompted the scolding to a higher level. I can already taste the depletion and the joyless writing sneaking in, and I feel myself drying up.
‘No way am I going to become a slave to my website and its blog’, says another rebellious voice that I believe to be my higher Self. The more I looked at my notes, the more I could feel the energy slipping away as if the ideas captured there belong to an other world, to my past activities. Almost each week on Sunday evening when I set my weekly tasks, I would diligently promise myself to write something by the end of the week (more often for others than for myself). Come Friday, this wishful intention had been barred off the list. Nonetheless, I was still clinging to this as if it held all that comprises my identity and who I know to be.
It took me several weeks to discover that I was doing this with all my intentions, and the various projects that were sprouting from my creative mind were going nowhere. Why was I loosing interest so rapidly and failing to spark interest in my projects? Slowly it dawned on me that I was probably barking up the wrong tree operating from default patterns regarding what is work and how I should be earning a living.
Procrastination turned out to be a breakthrough experience for which I am grateful. I got to the point where I knew that there was no point in banging my head against the wall, as John would say. I truly needed to let go … and that is what I did. No more lists of things to do. No more writing pressure. No more actively promoting the business. No more thinking I could/should step back into higher education. No more worrying about what I should be doing and how I am going to make a living out of my passion. Just, let it be…
I allowed myself to fully experience the emptiness and void that seeps in when I stop ‘doing’ and being outcome-oriented. Since, I am learning to be and I enjoy it. John tells me that there is a ‘whole new me’ emerging, both playful and joyful, with a touch of cheekiness reminiscent of childhood pranks. The worry list has evaporated and the fears have toned down to distant echoes. I feel more connected to life, more open to receiving the gifts that are flowing in. From this new place, all possibilities are available and the stuckness previously experienced is transmuted. Exciting and new projects are arising from places I did not think existed. And most of all, after months of what felt like stagnation, the renovation/transformation work on the house has just started. In a few months we will have a wonderful place to host our work and welcome visitors to Bornholm.
Needless to add that all the creative ideas rooted in my past have been lovingly crossed out of my notebook and I have started to seed some new ideas. They will flourish in the ripeness of time. I can let go of all needs to perform and enjoy each day regardless of what I do or don’t do. I am a change that matters and that ripples out as reflected in the house going through a major transformation. And the last thing I am going to be doing in a month’s time is to set a list of New Year resolutions! Change is already happening, no need to probe. Let it unfold effortlessly.