Remembering My Invocation

I must introduce you to Camilla Pang. I first heard her on one of my favourite BBC Radio 3 programmes, Private Passions. She was Michael Berkeley’s guest on Sunday the 2nd of May, my birthday, presenting me with an impeccable birthday present. Let me tell you something of her extraordinary life-trajectory and her gift to us all.

At the age of eight, Camilla Pang was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) added to which she also developed Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). As a result, understandably so, she has struggled to apprehend reality and to understand the rules of the human game. I was immediately taken by her sparkling sense of humour as she walks us through a refreshing perspective on reality, humans and life on Earth from the viscera of her experience of autism plagued with frequent episodes of acute anxiety. As she explains, not being hindered by many of the filters of consensual reality, she dares humour and impertinent questions such as asking her mother if there is an instruction manual for life as a human. Clearly this was before the Guidance for Life on Earth books came into existence. I wonder what she would make of them now?

Camilla Pang has used her passion for science for framing reality and inquiring into the seemingly complexities of wholeness and becoming fully human in an environment that, fortunately from the perspective of ASD, does not make much sense for her. She has written the manual explaining humans, she was asking her mother for. The result is outstanding and mind-blowing in the way it blasts open the boxes that maintain us in a narrow bandwidth of reality and tether us to consensual reality.

I devoured her book Explaining Humans. What Science Can Teach Us about Life, Love and Relationships. I highly recommend it for anyone wanting to stir up obsolete structures and shed clouded filters, and for all audacious and venturesome explorers of life and human experience who are eager to shoot through the portals opening at their feet, inviting them into the realms of machine learning, thermodynamics, harmonic motion and resonant frequency, fuzzy logics and feedback loops all hoisting us to the purest expression of ourselves. Camilla Pang presents us with an exquisite alchemical marriage between sciences and her quirky perspectives, which enables us to be propelled from the seemingly certainties of scientific paradigms into the full experience of not knowing, freeing ourselves from the plague of measurement, and into being of service to Love and to Beauty.

Life from the perspective of a punching bag

Shortly after my first encounter with Camilla Pang, having received my copy of her book and being completely engrossed in it, I received a message from my higher self, somewhere in the middle of my night, transmitted through the subtle realms of my dreamlife. I was told that I, too, have a perspective to offer on the human experience and, like Camilla Pang, my perspective is nested in the life-circumstances and the life-trajectory which are mine in this current lifetime. I was being summoned to chip away at the strata to reveal my pristine gem, a prism refracting the blinding light and revealing a multilayered dazzling and wondrous spectrum of multidimensional realities. I then asked my higher self what particular prism was I to look through to discern my life-purpose in the meanders of the dilemmas, dramatic tensions and choice-points which seem to depict my life-trajectory.

I would not be looking at my experience and understanding of life on Earth through the prism of autism spectrum, nor through that of anxiety disorders. Although, this might not be an idea to discard too hastily considering the recurrent presence of autistic spectrum disorders in the family on my father’s side, and my intimate enduring relationship with anxiety and terror. So, what was I being invited to presence more fully and bring into the world as a human experience?

The response was surprising, and rather alarming. I was told to speak from the perspective of someone who has repeatedly experienced being bullied and ostracised, furthermore, someone who seems to have an affinity with stewing and cooking within ethical dilemmas. Definitely, the last place I would want to go, since these are all the parts of myself which I am not prepared to reveal for fear of eliciting further pain, shame and banishment.

  • Why on the earth would I open the doors to those carefully concealed unworthy parts of myself?
  • Because it is time for you to stop hiding. There is no need to do so any longer. Now is the time to welcome and embrace, lovingly, those exiled parts of yourself and to bring them back home. This is your integration work, your path of wholeness to your sovereign selfhood.
  • I am so scared! Already terror is reaching out with her tacky fingers.
  • Fear not. You are already well upon the path. Your fearfulness and fearlessness will be your most precious guides.

I was then shown the image of a huge punching bag as used in a boxing training routine to exercise strength and agility. I was to tell the story from the perspective of the punching bag offering itself to the world, as world, and, moreover, within the boxing arena, to inquire into shadowboxing in front of a mirror. For many this might be a rather cryptic message. For me it was crystal clear, albeit assuredly not the itinerary I would have picked out of the Life on Earth Incarnational Catalogue before coming into life.

  • Be playful and refreshingly humoristic! It will take the edge of the pain and suffering without disqualifying it.

So, since this was the thread presenting itself to me, and none other, I trusted my higher self and consented to an experiment in being ‘punching bag’, relentlessly feeling the hits in the bag, my stomach, and reeling and staggering under the blows, deeply feeling all the energetic structures enmeshed in blaming, scapegoating and other forms of projective mechanisms. This was to be a turbulent voyage into the subterranean layers of the human experience. Therefore, a touch of humour would not go amiss and great wings of love flew in to hold me on my journey.

Archaeology into the personality

I am passionately engaged in my journey into the realms of cruelty, and have been for the past six months. I have been exploring the many forms and energies of bullying and coercion I have experienced within my birth-family system and, in particular, the tense relationship with my mother. These explorations have become the first of the three books I am currently working on: An Archaeology of the Personality. Retrieving Tales of Love and Sorrow. In this volume, I have channelled eleven stories from the first twenty years of my life, remembering catalytic episodes and bearing witness to the effectiveness of the structuring of the personality and the intricate weaving that holds the energetic structures together.

I have begun to share this material with trusted practice partners. They were the ones to speak of the cruelty which I was unable to see, and even less name, such is my loyalty to my parents. It has, nevertheless, transpired in my writing, and I am ever grateful to my companions for bringing light and words to those aspects which I am supressing and in denial of. Some companions have colourfully expressed anger and rage on my behalf, encouraging me to claim it, to own it and to give voice to it. Admittingly, I am still struggling here, hence possibly why I resort to humour and, surprisingly, find myself giggling as I witness myself in this dilemma of expressing anger, requesting respect and feeling utterly inept and ill-equipped to do so. In this case, why not try out the experiment of being ‘punching bag’?

My archaeology into the layers of the personality has enabled me to decipher many expectations and belief structures that thread themselves through the fabric of my life, added to which there are the energetic tramlines I am prone to travelling down. Furthermore, my engagement with the teachings and practices from the Guidance for Life on Earth material, throughout the gatherings I have been hosting for the past year, has had an amplifying effect, offering me abundant opportunities to look at the structures through a magnifying glass or under a microscope. Since my nightly visit from my higher self, suggesting that I experimented life from the perspective of a punching bag, the practices I have felt guided to offer in the relational container have been lovingly guiding me/us all the time. We have, for instance, been honing our feeling capacities, expanding our sensitivity, looking at life dilemmas heightened by dramatic tensions and choice-points, dismantling the belief structures and the expectations which impede receiving ourselves in love.

Lastly, we have been looking at networks of relationships delicately unravelling the qualities that imbue relatedness. It was whilst doing this practice (Practice 12. Sensing Relationship and Place[1]) that I began to see a pattern emerging from the web of relationship I am in invocation of in this lifetime. All of them seem to pertain to the ‘Provide and Protect’ stance I have been actively exploring in this blog. How fascinating! Almost exhilarating! This is the inner journey where I have been able to acknowledge my unconscious expectations, and to get a glimpse at all those places where I feel unmet in intimacy and doomed to unfulfillment, because these are the places where I feel irremediably wounded through the seemingly distorted relationship with my parents.

Through this life-trajectory, and my specific family context, I have come to believe that I am powerless in the face of cruelty, bullying and scapegoating, and that I do not know what unconditional love is. Moreover, to add on to my plight, I will never know what love is since, like Sisyphus condemned to perpetually roll a rock up hill, I am here to experience unrequited love. The ensuing narrative is that I am to go through life as a powerless recipient of cruelty and blows. I cannot defend myself because I have not learned to say ‘no’, or I have a tendency to say ‘yes’, too easily, in order to placate the other and to avoid releasing the beast. I have become very compliant and not respectful of my integrity.

Another important discovery has been my firm belief that I am ill-equipped for teasing out projections and that I will necessarily be knocked about by disowned movements of energy discharging in the space, such is the excruciatingly painful experience of being targeted, or having an experience of being targeted, when I find myself in the throes of terror that blinds everything out. This is the only narrative that makes sense of the terror and enables me, to a certain extent, to contain it and to not feel utterly powerless.

This could be the point of view of the punching bag, although I doubt it would be so harsh and critical of its innate qualities. After all it is a punching bag and, as such, serves it purpose with no other considerations. None of the above antics and thoughts stand in the face of my wholeness and my sovereign selfhood.

The experiment of looking at life through the perspective of a punching bag has been highly interesting and conducive in further teasing apart the layers of the personality through a delicate archaeological work, gently dusting away each layer with a very fine brush. I have been able to honour the narrative of the personality, its wisdom in that it gave the little girl, who could not make sense of the way her life was unfolding with frequent episodes of cruelty, some power and agency over her life-circumstances.

The breakthrough came during an in-depth dialogue, in the midst of the tempestuous explorations of being ‘punching bag’, where I was lovingly guided through the layers of the personality, now uncovered and reclaimed. I unexpectedly found myself in a place of exquisite expansiveness and stillness, a place of knowing beyond all the belief systems and all the creeds I have collected along my life. Not only was I able to rest there, but the experience was not fleeting: it settled within me. There, I knew that none of what the personality was craving for and ranting about was true or, to be more accurate, it is only true at the level of the personality, where it is part and parcel of its energetic structuring, in all its effectiveness and wisdom. At the level of Source self, of expanded awareness in selfhood, there is a totally different knowing, one where I am unscathed and intact in the wholeness of myself. Cruelty, bullying and ostracization all drop away into nothingness and become the dust of the human experience, precious gold dust, not garbage to absentmindedly trash upon the denser energetic layering that encircles the planet.

Integration and embodied realisation

Stepping back from, and benevolently looking at, my experiment of being ‘punching bag’, I become aware of the integration process smoothly unfolding within. It is as if, at the level of the personality, the egoic structures have evolved, and those parts, previously exiled and denied existence, have come back home heralding the expansion into the wholeness of myself with a more affirmed, or claimed, selfhood, encompassing and inclusive of the matured aspects of personality.

What has enabled this integration? Why have I not gone through, yet again, an experience of being thrown about by life-circumstances where I would bemoan my fate and stomp around in the treacherous swamplands of victimhood?

It is the power of invocation!

A significant piece in my expanding awareness was receiving, on my birthday, a picture of me on my first birthday. I am sitting in my pram smiling out at the world, probably at my father taking the picture, with my hands reaching out to grasp life. This one-year-old baby is full of trust and eager to embrace the fullness of life. In a practice[2] I devised for retrieving early childhood memories, I connected with my deepest longing as a child: I wanted to learn to read and to write. In recovering these two gems, I was remembered of my unfailing trust in life, and in my fellow human companions, and of the manner I feel called to engage in life. I am here to learn and to write about my learning. In that moment, I got a glimpse at the larger frame and the perfect orchestration of my life-circumstance to form and inform me along my life-curriculum.

I know of my lifelong invocation to be nourished and replenished by my work, whatever that may be, and, as a consequence, to undertake whatever deep clearing work presents itself to me. I have been consistently working with the practices and affirmations in the Guidance for Life on Earth material and I have felt, indeed, very nourished and held in all my inner spaces. As it has been reflected back to me, my invocation is of the highest level and, as such, calls in the highest frequencies of consciousness available to me.

As I pieced together the elements arising in awareness, I suddenly felt the potency of the affirmation[3] I have been diligently practising and working with over the past months. I experienced a wholistic knowing of the power of alignment with and embodiment of higher frequencies of consciousness, without necessarily being able to wrap this up in words or articulate my experience. The moment-ness of knowing brought in exquisitely polished discernment, whereby the initial confusion I had been presencing was dissipated, and the compacted layers of denser energetic structuring were instantaneously dissolved. And yet, the magnetic force of my attachment to the source of the affinity of lower-vibrational forms and energies within me permits them to continue to stick to me, if, and when, I believe them to be true and myself to be doomed to host such energetic forms and packages.

My experiment of being ‘punching bag’ has been extremely helpful in more than one way. It has shown me, for instance, the ways I consent to hosting lower-vibrational energies out of loyalty and through allegiances running in my family system. By agreeing to become, for the duration of my experiment, punching bag, I discovered that it is not about me learning to roll with the punches nor to brace myself to receive them without flinching. It is about feeling into the energies beneath and behind the blows, the punching bag being but an instrument to receive the blows, a receiver through which to diffract their energetic structuring. This part of the experiment revealed cohorts of double-binds, energetic tramlines crisscrossing the matrix of the personality, communication breakdowns, censorship and ethical dilemmas, all of which were fuelling my anger and rage, my resentment in the face of social injustice and moral injury, in a healthy way, unleashing the life-forces kept in check for so long.

I also discovered that I no longer want to associate myself with a punching bag, not because it would be demeaning or belittling of myself, but because the lesson is learned and I am ready to move on. With a certain amount of joy, I acknowledge that I am not one who relishes in sweating it out in the Dojo, for instance. This is not my playing field. I do not need to go to the Dojo to prove anything and I would feel untrue to myself should I reluctantly accept to do so out of a need to fit in and play with others. My playground is one made of music and words dancing together, and I want to continue to follow my deep calling to go there, again, whatever that might be and involve.

This realisation dissolved many of my beliefs around belonging and becoming. It highlights the compromises I have made in order to fit in, such as showing up in a Dojo when I have an inexplicable aversion of martial arts and of anything that feels even slightly competitive. Furthermore, I deeply resent people trying to convince me to lovingly embrace my fears, to overcome my reluctances and to learn to love competitiveness. I fear that there will be a price to pay should I step out of the line of duty and claim my freedom and, at the same time, there is a longing to be free from duties and burdensome responsibilities. Like all humans, I apprehend overwhelm and intensity. Will I be able to stand in the blast of the bomb that has gone off? Can I shield myself from so much intensity? Accepting to be ‘punching bag’, experimentally so, has shown me that I can, as much as I can choose to discard the experiment when the lessons are learned and integrated.

The punching bag acts also as a prism refracting the blinding light of the blast. Refraction allows discernment and dissolves any judgment I might have about my experience and my inadequacy in dealing with life, and any thoughts about my validity of being human and, consequently, being world. Here I see how all that I might experience and qualify as movements of shut down, and necessary protectiveness, become movements of opening and awakening. States of seeming depression yield insights. Passive aggressive stances reveal agency. Co-dependency morphs into boundless freedom. All paradoxes, all opposing perspectives, all dramatic tensions diffuse into the wholeness of sovereignty and creatorship. Who would have thought that a punching bag could teach me so much?

As I fully take in these inner movements, I can affirm my choice to speak my truth and not to fall to those bullying energies I am quick to pick up and attempt to make something of. I choose to walk the path of restoration, rather than to succumb to resentment and revenge for all that has been done to me, or all that I believe has been done to me against my will. Again, this is an invocation of a higher order of will and etches the path I will walk as I become that which I invoke, embodied realisation.

Invocation is not a magical wand to be waved at adversity and challenges: it beholds us to our path and our truths, in my case to walk the path of restoration, rather than to slip on to a punitive path of retribution as I prepare to leave Denmark and the project that called me here, and to leave John. There could be many reasons and ways why I would slip and tumble here, for fear of the pain that would resurface from under the layers of numbness and distraction, for example. How can love possibly prevail when so much pain and suffering is brought forth?

I honour my capacity to remain steadfast on my path, held within the loving wings of my invocation, true to myself, even, and especially, when I accept, experimentally, to be ‘punching bag’ and to commit to the highest possibilities which are available to me through my sovereign selfhood.

Sensitivity and wafer-thinness

The fullness of the experiment of being ‘punching bag’ left me feeling very raw, almost sore. Thinness was also suggested to describe my experience of heightened sensitivity, a quality which proved to be insightful. I immediately received the image of the wafer-thin layers of selfhood quivering at higher-vibrational rates of life. The layers are wafer-thin because they have been cleared of the energetic residues which have previously weighed and slowed them down, through the density of lower-vibrational frequencies. The clearing work enables thinner and lighter layers to vibrate at higher rates and, as a consequence, for personhood to become ever more sensitive to the fullness of life, developing both inner awareness of the complex of energetic structures, and ever finer discernment of the qualities with which human experience is imbued, in particular the energetic signatures, beyond and beneath. This unfamiliar thinness might have drawn forth compensatory mechanisms such as stuffing myself with chocolate and starchy food in an attempt to weigh myself down and return to previous felt-experiences of heaviness and substance.

In this realisation, I caught other beliefs embedded deep within. I still believe, for instance, that this finer sensitivity will not withstand the crushing forces of lower-vibrational forms and energies intent on concealing and condemning to oblivion. Here, I mistake my experience of shakiness and wobbliness, considered in many circles to be the natural responses to trauma, therefore signposting the presence of trauma, with the quivering and shimmering of sovereign selfhood. “Trauma is serious stuff.”, I have been repeatedly told, “You need to take it seriously and to commit to the work.” Ah ha, this is where the image of shadowboxing in front of the mirror comes in! What an interesting observation, symptomatic of the impact of limiting beliefs threaded through our cultures of domination and subjugation, interesting because it is precisely the opposite which will happen as I awaken: more of life arises, not less, such is the true power of alignment with and embodiment of higher frequencies of consciousness. I am now much more interested in my experiences of shakiness: are they of fear-based trembling or of light-infilled shimmering?

For all this to be true for me, it feels important that I remain and relish in the stillness and quietness of inner understanding, at the level of selfhood. Here, I affirm myself as a higher-vibrational expression of life and I relinquish the image of being a ‘punching bag’, grateful for the lessons learned throughout my experiment. I honour my capacity to feel pain and suffering, and not to forget. I am one of those who is remembering, and I am becoming aware that others might not be blessed with such a gift.  I therefore offer my remembering and memorialisation work to the world, unapologetically and unashamedly. And, I celebrate myself with chocolate.


[1] Stephen Busby (2020). Guidance for Life on Earth. Teachings and Practices from Inner Guides. Book Two. Being Human, Being World (Part 1), pp. 143-145

[2] The text yielded from this practice is available at: https://yggdrasil-wholeness.com/i-am-here-to-remember/

[3] Stephen Busby (2020). Guidance for Life on Earth. Teachings and Practices from Inner Guides. Book Two. Being Human, Being World (Part 1), p. 152